If you ever listened to Jewel back in the 90s, you might remember her song Pieces of You, a brilliantly written song that suggests that the hatred people express toward others is really a manifestation of their own feelings of shame and self-loathing.
When I see the things parents say in reaction to LGBTQ+ topics, I often think of this song.
There’s been a lot of discussion regarding LGBTQ+ students in Howard County lately, with Board of Education candidates sounding off on LGBTQ+ books and Rainbow Liaisons and HCPSS preparing to kick off Pride Week. The sentiments expressed by some of the parents in our community have been outright horrifying. At best, they framed sexual orientation and gender identity as a “values” issue, as if these are right/wrong choices young people make according to parental rules rather than something that simply is. At worst, these parents expressed abject disgust and contempt, using words like “perversion” and “sick,” with a side dish of ignorant bigotry in the form of accusations of “grooming” toward teachers and staff who choose to be LGBTQ-affirming for the well-being of their students. And quite a few parents seemed to feel that the mere existence of LGBTQ+ topics is something that younger children should not be “exposed” to, leaving me to wonder how they manage to move through the world without their child ever seeing two men holding hands in a public place.
I have only one question for those parents: have you ever considered the possibility that your child might be LGBTQ+ and is withholding that information from you out of fear because they know you’re homophobic? Have you ever considered how you’d react if your child were to come to you and tell you that they’re gay, or that they don’t feel like they conform to one gender? Would you call them “sick” and “perverted?” Would you reject them? Shame them? Kick them out of your house? Treat them differently? Tell them that they’re wrong, that they’re sinful, that they’re not normal, that they need to be fixed? Would you make them feel like a disappointment? Would you withhold your love in any way?
If so, you’re a shitty parent, and it’s all rooted in your own shame.
In my last piece, I wrote about the grave statistics faced by kids in the LGBTQ+ community. The elevated risk of suicide, depression, and homelessness. And the statistic that underlies all the others: the fact that two-thirds of LGBTQ+ kids do not live in a supportive household. Connect those dots, parents.
If a person could simply choose their sexual orientation and gender identity as some allege, then I fail to see why anyone would choose something that would subject them to rejection, ostracism, and trauma at the hands of society and their own parents to the point that they consider – or commit – suicide. The idea that parents can simply teach their kids to be cishet is both laughable and damaging. Millions of LGBTQ+ folks will attest to that.
Parents, get your shit together. Grow up. Go to therapy. Get to the root of your own shame around LGBTQ+ folks. Figure it out. Do it now, so that if your child comes to you someday, you’ll be ready with your love and support. Fix your own shit so you don’t project it onto your child.
You lose nothing by giving your child love, support, and acceptance. But you could lose your child if you don’t.
PFLAG is an organization that supports LGBTQ+ folks, their families, and their allies. Find a local chapter here.